I wanted to start off this brand new blog by just ripping off the band-aid. I’ve struggled a lot with self-image & weight issues for as long as I could remember. I grew up in a very loving family but in a culture where weight is highly important. I always felt that I wasn’t thin enough for my family because they constantly told me I need to lose weight. I think it’s probably hard for you to understand this because it sounds like I have a terrible family. Really, it’s not like that at all. Because they love me they wanted me to be healthy in every way possible. Because I grew up differently then they did, I took all of their comments are criticism and I couldn’t take it.
Here I am (left) my senior year in high school, 2005
When I look back, I was a fairy good weight while in high school and I stayed active by going to ballet & jazz classes. When I moved away for college I started to gain weight, I was in culinary school for Pete’s sake! I tried everything and loved everything. Because I was poor college student, when I was not in class I would fill up on pizza rolls and chicken wings. Eventually it caught up to me. I gained about 10 lbs and those extra pounds don’t look that great on a 5-foot-tall girl of 19.
After I got married, I gained even more weight. I was cooking for a man and I thought that meant I had to eat like a man. I’ve been married almost 4 years and I have gained a total of 20 pounds since my wedding day. Within the past 4 years I’ve fluctuated in weight almost as quickly as I change my clothing. It’s constant and very frustrating. I do crash diets and go weeks without eating one thing or another. Sure, I lose 7-10 lbs but then it just comes right back.
Here I am on my birthday, January 2011, with mt husband, Pierre
I crave to be a girl who is proud of herself and not ashamed to go out in public because her shirt is too tight. I know that no matter what my weight is I will never be comfortable in my own skin unless I learn to love myself from the inside out. I truly believe that your heart and your brain work completely different and while I know how in my brain to make myself love who I am, I’m having trouble getting my heart to believe it. The only thing I know that when I work out and break a sweat, I feel better about myself for the rest of the day. I know that when I eat Chick-Fil-A because I have a free coupon I want to have the guts to stick my finger down my throat, and let me tell you something, that’s NOT the girl I want to be. I want to fill my life with healthy eating and a positive attitude. I want to take my husband’s breath away every single day. I want to look in the mirror longer than a second without saying “ew”.
So this is my safe place, this blog. I’m starting by pouring out the feelings I have inside because I’m not going to get anywhere holding it in.